Never stop believing.
the biggest question of all.ME.
who is it?
who am i?
i always get the question.sometimes i think about it.
sometimes it the only thing i think.
its like whatever i see im only seeing the surface.
the person below the skin is not coming out.
i want to discover myself.
if i want to be somebody, i have to first think who ami and where am I and get to where i want to be.
as they say its a big fucked up world.
its 12.20 friday morning.sleep is failing me.i'm alone in san diego.so i get up and do what i always do.
browse for porn.
somehow today did not turn out to be like everyday.however hard i tried to run away from myself by hiding behind porn it just didnt work out today.
so i do the next thing i do.wander aimlessly on the web.
finally i stumble my blog.
started two years ago to pour out my heart i had abandoned it.I had cheated myself.I had ran away from confronting myself.I had turned it into a placeholder for quotations which i used to vist later and memorize to impress the world.Who was I trying to impress??the world??
oh my GOD?what am I doing?This is not what i set out to become.To be untruthful to myself was not what i wanted.I wanted to do great things.Do whatever I set my sights on.Be successful in my own sense and not to the world.I have become everything i didnt want to be.UNREAL.
No not anymore.I dont want to be appear successful to the world which sees me.I dont want to be judged by people and come out flying.
I want to be me.
I want to pursue perfection not wordly acknowledgement that i'm perfect.
Suddenly I feel sick.
To the outside world i may seem like a successful guy.
great job.backing to and fro to america so early in my career.
but inside i'm a troubled soul.
I know i'm not what I truly can be and this is causing me pain.Driving me to a slow and painful climax.
And the most hurting thing is this very same feeling had led me to decide to do a fresh start two years ago and now i'm finding myself in the dame position.deja vu.tell me about it huh...(sigh)
Life has come full circle in 2 years and im just the dame person plus the waisline extended,hairline receeded and more bitter.
I have caused more pain to my parents.They are seeing me wasting myself.They know that i can be much better if i want to.No i'm not doomed.I will still get through life with great ease.Look at me.I have a good job.No bad habits.Well off economically.
But who am I kidding.
I want to realize my full potential.This is not me.I can be better.I can be the best in whatever I do.
Instead i'm fooling myself and being lazy.
Much needs to be achieved .
I dont want to just survive.I want to live.Live in style.My style.My will.
(i feel sick.unable to continue.i rush to the loo.empty my bowels and return after 15 minutes.)
Today i make myself a promise.A promise not to write a similar sorry story down the line after 2 years.
In God I pray to give me the faith to believe in myself and leap for greater heights.
God give me greater strength to bear the pain when i fall down.
God i pray to give me courage to get up again.
In God i believe for he is the one who is responsible to make me believe in myself.
I like to call myself as hopeless optimist.
---desparado.
---01:14
---La jolla
---CA
who is it?
who am i?
i always get the question.sometimes i think about it.
sometimes it the only thing i think.
its like whatever i see im only seeing the surface.
the person below the skin is not coming out.
i want to discover myself.
if i want to be somebody, i have to first think who ami and where am I and get to where i want to be.
as they say its a big fucked up world.
its 12.20 friday morning.sleep is failing me.i'm alone in san diego.so i get up and do what i always do.
browse for porn.
somehow today did not turn out to be like everyday.however hard i tried to run away from myself by hiding behind porn it just didnt work out today.
so i do the next thing i do.wander aimlessly on the web.
finally i stumble my blog.
started two years ago to pour out my heart i had abandoned it.I had cheated myself.I had ran away from confronting myself.I had turned it into a placeholder for quotations which i used to vist later and memorize to impress the world.Who was I trying to impress??the world??
oh my GOD?what am I doing?This is not what i set out to become.To be untruthful to myself was not what i wanted.I wanted to do great things.Do whatever I set my sights on.Be successful in my own sense and not to the world.I have become everything i didnt want to be.UNREAL.
No not anymore.I dont want to be appear successful to the world which sees me.I dont want to be judged by people and come out flying.
I want to be me.
I want to pursue perfection not wordly acknowledgement that i'm perfect.
Suddenly I feel sick.
To the outside world i may seem like a successful guy.
great job.backing to and fro to america so early in my career.
but inside i'm a troubled soul.
I know i'm not what I truly can be and this is causing me pain.Driving me to a slow and painful climax.
And the most hurting thing is this very same feeling had led me to decide to do a fresh start two years ago and now i'm finding myself in the dame position.deja vu.tell me about it huh...(sigh)
Life has come full circle in 2 years and im just the dame person plus the waisline extended,hairline receeded and more bitter.
I have caused more pain to my parents.They are seeing me wasting myself.They know that i can be much better if i want to.No i'm not doomed.I will still get through life with great ease.Look at me.I have a good job.No bad habits.Well off economically.
But who am I kidding.
I want to realize my full potential.This is not me.I can be better.I can be the best in whatever I do.
Instead i'm fooling myself and being lazy.
Much needs to be achieved .
I dont want to just survive.I want to live.Live in style.My style.My will.
(i feel sick.unable to continue.i rush to the loo.empty my bowels and return after 15 minutes.)
Today i make myself a promise.A promise not to write a similar sorry story down the line after 2 years.
In God I pray to give me the faith to believe in myself and leap for greater heights.
God give me greater strength to bear the pain when i fall down.
God i pray to give me courage to get up again.
In God i believe for he is the one who is responsible to make me believe in myself.
I like to call myself as hopeless optimist.
---desparado.
---01:14
---La jolla
---CA
posted by desparado at
12:49 PM
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