the one
the days:
10+2 days.
starting to open up to the world.the pressure to succeed.
parents telling how this would make or break life.
totally messed up adolescent.
yeah i'm talking about myself.
Then there she was.I saw her first in the tutions I used to attend.
It was the one which was suppposed to bring me good marks and give good direction for my life.And it did.
I don't remember when I fell love with her.
I do remember when I realized I loved her.
time was 6:30 am in the morning and rain was pouring like hell.
I was on my way to tutions on my first ride ever:my dad's scooter.
Frail as I was to vagaries of nature, I was wearing raincoat to protect myself.Seeing back now i realize it was actually the fear of getting sick that made me protect myself from everything.
yes I parked my scooter and came into the four-square.The classes were held on the third floor.
I started the process of removing my raincoat and putting into a caover, the usual yada yada....
And there she was across me.
I couldn't see her completely.
She stood on the opposite side of four-square.Only rain in the middle seperated us.
Daylight had started to come faintly.I couldn't see her face.I only saw dark figure of her and her friend and light in the background.If only I could visualize it with my closed eyes.
Suddenly I realized that it was her.
She was the one.I realized i had fallen in love with her unknowingly.
She was not beautiful.She was pretty.She was the one with whom i could spend rest of my life with, without ever getting tired of her.She was the one for me.
God i loved her.
It was the most beautiful feeling that I had ever experienced.It was the way with which she used to do things that made me fall in love with her.The way she was removing her coat and putting it carefully and gently into her bag;God she was perfectionist, atleast for me.
I was ecstatic.She was so perfect.I was so not perfect.Suddenly I started worshipping her.She was perfect to me.She was my girl.She will always be my girl.Girl of my dreams.I wanted to be like her.She was neat.I was not.I wanted to be like her in every way.I wanted to be perfectionist like her.I was intelligent than her; of that i'm sure but she had a way of doing things more perfectly which more than made up for her shortcomings.I didn't know much about her.But i didn't need to.I knew her too well already.If god had made a match for everyone,then she was mine.I tried to mimic her in my day to day life.I imagined how she used to do things and followed myself.
I became more disciplined.My room became clean.I started to study more consistently.
Life was good.
Months went by and the mist started to clear.I started to realize that I couldn't get her.I'm from a conservative,religious family and a brahmin and there she was a gujrati-jain.What was I thinking?Actually i wasn't.
I was young and lacked courage to go against my family.I loved them too much.I still do.I knew I would cause much pain to them if I ever married her.Not that I would.I never had the courage to talk to a girl at that time.maybe even now.Even if I had talked I knew she was too much devoted to her parents and that too being a girl, it was that much more difficult for her.I was sad.Hurt.Torn.Why?Why GOD why do you make such a beautiful thing as love and cause pain to accompany it.
I got depressed.I grew thin.Somehow I managed to study and get through with good grades.I guess i was going with the flow i.e the fear among youngsters to perform or get rejected by society that too with my past history in studies and all that,the expectations was just too high.I didn't want ot disappoint my parents.I was reduced to a machine-like existence.The machine part did the study,starving,waking up late nights till 3am or so etc.My emotional being had just stopped living.It was just bleeding.I cursed god.Why did you do this caste system?Why?Why should I not follow my love?Why ?
Why did you make me so good that I couldn't hurt my parents and pursue my love?
Why did you make world like this?
I just wasn't thinking.
hmmmmm.
I did well in my exams.But I couldnt concentrate on my entrance exam for engineering .I goofed up.Goofed up big time.Not that i did bad.The results were good by any standards on which the world runs.But it was not upto my true potential considering the genius which i consder myself to be.And it was below all my friends and it definitely fell short of my parents expectations and dreams.
Shit..
I had hurt myself.
In the end I had hurt my parents anyways, the very reason for which I had sacrificed my love.
I had ended up bringing happiness to no one.myself nor my parents.It hurt.
I still remember the day when i got the result of engineering entrance.It was ok by any standard.My parents told me to cheer up and that my rank was not that bad.But i was upset.couldnt sleep that night.I was crying and frustrated.I started hitting where it hurt the most, my balls.When i couldn't bear the pain but still wanted to hurt it,started rubbing it.Then i had my first ejaculation if all the nocturnal involuntary ejaculations are excluded.
I was crying and it was very strange.
Maybe because of this,even today sex to me is not very fulfilling.Dont get me wrong.I like sex.I enjoy it even though self-help is the only kind of sex i have had till now.But still on an emotional,psychlogical level i feel empty post-sex.
And that's all i have to say about that.
Then I joined engineering.Tried forgetting her.Four years went just like that.Got reasonably good grades.Still used to stay awake some nights wondering about her and me.Is it still possible to get her?But more or less I had resigned to fate and that was strange.Strange because it was against my ego to give up to fate.But i guess this was a different dimension altogether.She still remained in me eventhough as a distant memory.I still had dreams about.How she was with me.How my parents,and she and me lived and BZZZZZZ... i used to wake up to reality.I felt like a loner.I was a loner. On the outside i had many friends but I somehow feel i retreated into a shell on the inside closing off everyone around.
meanwhile she had joined some other college in the same city.I had some friends who used to feed me some information about her even though i didn't want to know about her.They were just teasing me, unaware of the pain they were causing me.She was the past and i still hadn't got over her and these guys were not helping either.
AS I neared the completion of my engineering course I got more and more spiritual and started accepting everything swayed in my way as god's wish.It gave me peace and tranquility.The confidence I had lost started to come back.Then I got a job in one of the software companies and on June 7th 2006 i completed 2 years in the company.Meanwhile through my same friends I came to know that she was engaged.By that time I was sober enough and just didn't bother to think about all those years.I had ruined enough of my life and wasn't ready to take the same path again.I was practising yoga and meditation and was at peace with myself.Professionally i was doing well.Having come to U.S twice in two years was in itself a recognition of my hard work.Everything was going fine.Then I saw her on orkut and found out that she was married.I prayed in god to keep her happy in her married life.But my thoughts now shifted on myself.I was alone.I started feeling i needed someone to love myself.Seeing my friend getting hooked up with the love of his life also hastened the urge in me.It was at this point that I happened to see the salesgirl from whom i bought the glasses.God she was pretty.I mean i see lot of pretty girls.I dont like all pretty girl.But I liked this one.Her eyes defeated me completely.She looked to me like an angel to my dying soul.I don't want to do the same mistake as i did with my first love.I never took the courage to walk up to her and tell her how I felt about her.I'm having a deja vu.I'm fearing I will not be able to talk to this girl either.
It's been 6 years since i burned my heart.I dont want to do the same thing again.
I can live without love.But its the loneliness that scares me.I'm happy with people around me throughout the day.But at nights when i lie down to sleep, I feel as I'm alone in the universe.I need some soul besides me,someone to cling on to;not to love.Of course I will love her.more that that I haven't slept well in years and all i want to do is to sleep well.
May god be with everyone
amen
desperado
--22:58
--28th june 2006
--la jolla
10+2 days.
starting to open up to the world.the pressure to succeed.
parents telling how this would make or break life.
totally messed up adolescent.
yeah i'm talking about myself.
Then there she was.I saw her first in the tutions I used to attend.
It was the one which was suppposed to bring me good marks and give good direction for my life.And it did.
I don't remember when I fell love with her.
I do remember when I realized I loved her.
time was 6:30 am in the morning and rain was pouring like hell.
I was on my way to tutions on my first ride ever:my dad's scooter.
Frail as I was to vagaries of nature, I was wearing raincoat to protect myself.Seeing back now i realize it was actually the fear of getting sick that made me protect myself from everything.
yes I parked my scooter and came into the four-square.The classes were held on the third floor.
I started the process of removing my raincoat and putting into a caover, the usual yada yada....
And there she was across me.
I couldn't see her completely.
She stood on the opposite side of four-square.Only rain in the middle seperated us.
Daylight had started to come faintly.I couldn't see her face.I only saw dark figure of her and her friend and light in the background.If only I could visualize it with my closed eyes.
Suddenly I realized that it was her.
She was the one.I realized i had fallen in love with her unknowingly.
She was not beautiful.She was pretty.She was the one with whom i could spend rest of my life with, without ever getting tired of her.She was the one for me.
God i loved her.
It was the most beautiful feeling that I had ever experienced.It was the way with which she used to do things that made me fall in love with her.The way she was removing her coat and putting it carefully and gently into her bag;God she was perfectionist, atleast for me.
I was ecstatic.She was so perfect.I was so not perfect.Suddenly I started worshipping her.She was perfect to me.She was my girl.She will always be my girl.Girl of my dreams.I wanted to be like her.She was neat.I was not.I wanted to be like her in every way.I wanted to be perfectionist like her.I was intelligent than her; of that i'm sure but she had a way of doing things more perfectly which more than made up for her shortcomings.I didn't know much about her.But i didn't need to.I knew her too well already.If god had made a match for everyone,then she was mine.I tried to mimic her in my day to day life.I imagined how she used to do things and followed myself.
I became more disciplined.My room became clean.I started to study more consistently.
Life was good.
Months went by and the mist started to clear.I started to realize that I couldn't get her.I'm from a conservative,religious family and a brahmin and there she was a gujrati-jain.What was I thinking?Actually i wasn't.
I was young and lacked courage to go against my family.I loved them too much.I still do.I knew I would cause much pain to them if I ever married her.Not that I would.I never had the courage to talk to a girl at that time.maybe even now.Even if I had talked I knew she was too much devoted to her parents and that too being a girl, it was that much more difficult for her.I was sad.Hurt.Torn.Why?Why GOD why do you make such a beautiful thing as love and cause pain to accompany it.
I got depressed.I grew thin.Somehow I managed to study and get through with good grades.I guess i was going with the flow i.e the fear among youngsters to perform or get rejected by society that too with my past history in studies and all that,the expectations was just too high.I didn't want ot disappoint my parents.I was reduced to a machine-like existence.The machine part did the study,starving,waking up late nights till 3am or so etc.My emotional being had just stopped living.It was just bleeding.I cursed god.Why did you do this caste system?Why?Why should I not follow my love?Why ?
Why did you make me so good that I couldn't hurt my parents and pursue my love?
Why did you make world like this?
I just wasn't thinking.
hmmmmm.
I did well in my exams.But I couldnt concentrate on my entrance exam for engineering .I goofed up.Goofed up big time.Not that i did bad.The results were good by any standards on which the world runs.But it was not upto my true potential considering the genius which i consder myself to be.And it was below all my friends and it definitely fell short of my parents expectations and dreams.
Shit..
I had hurt myself.
In the end I had hurt my parents anyways, the very reason for which I had sacrificed my love.
I had ended up bringing happiness to no one.myself nor my parents.It hurt.
I still remember the day when i got the result of engineering entrance.It was ok by any standard.My parents told me to cheer up and that my rank was not that bad.But i was upset.couldnt sleep that night.I was crying and frustrated.I started hitting where it hurt the most, my balls.When i couldn't bear the pain but still wanted to hurt it,started rubbing it.Then i had my first ejaculation if all the nocturnal involuntary ejaculations are excluded.
I was crying and it was very strange.
Maybe because of this,even today sex to me is not very fulfilling.Dont get me wrong.I like sex.I enjoy it even though self-help is the only kind of sex i have had till now.But still on an emotional,psychlogical level i feel empty post-sex.
And that's all i have to say about that.
Then I joined engineering.Tried forgetting her.Four years went just like that.Got reasonably good grades.Still used to stay awake some nights wondering about her and me.Is it still possible to get her?But more or less I had resigned to fate and that was strange.Strange because it was against my ego to give up to fate.But i guess this was a different dimension altogether.She still remained in me eventhough as a distant memory.I still had dreams about.How she was with me.How my parents,and she and me lived and BZZZZZZ... i used to wake up to reality.I felt like a loner.I was a loner. On the outside i had many friends but I somehow feel i retreated into a shell on the inside closing off everyone around.
meanwhile she had joined some other college in the same city.I had some friends who used to feed me some information about her even though i didn't want to know about her.They were just teasing me, unaware of the pain they were causing me.She was the past and i still hadn't got over her and these guys were not helping either.
AS I neared the completion of my engineering course I got more and more spiritual and started accepting everything swayed in my way as god's wish.It gave me peace and tranquility.The confidence I had lost started to come back.Then I got a job in one of the software companies and on June 7th 2006 i completed 2 years in the company.Meanwhile through my same friends I came to know that she was engaged.By that time I was sober enough and just didn't bother to think about all those years.I had ruined enough of my life and wasn't ready to take the same path again.I was practising yoga and meditation and was at peace with myself.Professionally i was doing well.Having come to U.S twice in two years was in itself a recognition of my hard work.Everything was going fine.Then I saw her on orkut and found out that she was married.I prayed in god to keep her happy in her married life.But my thoughts now shifted on myself.I was alone.I started feeling i needed someone to love myself.Seeing my friend getting hooked up with the love of his life also hastened the urge in me.It was at this point that I happened to see the salesgirl from whom i bought the glasses.God she was pretty.I mean i see lot of pretty girls.I dont like all pretty girl.But I liked this one.Her eyes defeated me completely.She looked to me like an angel to my dying soul.I don't want to do the same mistake as i did with my first love.I never took the courage to walk up to her and tell her how I felt about her.I'm having a deja vu.I'm fearing I will not be able to talk to this girl either.
It's been 6 years since i burned my heart.I dont want to do the same thing again.
I can live without love.But its the loneliness that scares me.I'm happy with people around me throughout the day.But at nights when i lie down to sleep, I feel as I'm alone in the universe.I need some soul besides me,someone to cling on to;not to love.Of course I will love her.more that that I haven't slept well in years and all i want to do is to sleep well.
May god be with everyone
amen
desperado
--22:58
--28th june 2006
--la jolla
posted by desparado at
5:54 AM
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