pain of betrayal
pavan my friend,my philosopher,my confidant, my brother.However small a betrayal might be, but when it comes from the ones dearest to the heart, it just is overwhelmingly painful.It hurts.
you got a visa recently.I'm happy for you.Whenever my friends/peers get ahead of me or achieve something in life i'm happy for them and sad at myself that I haven't worked hard to realize my full abilities.
Why did you do it to me pavan?i love you man and you !@#$%^ me.
you knew how desparate I was to goto U.S.How passionate and crazy.You know i am so depressed everyday thinking of the same thing.Man you didn't help me when i needed it the most.You had the contacts who could have helped me to get a visa.You told that it was only for people who studied in your school.Such a lie.But now you are telling that it is for anyone who can pay him.You could have told me this before and I could have gotten my visa too.
If it was fear of competition from me that made you not to help me, then you could have plainly told that you will help me the next year,not this time instead of cooking up a lie.Or if it was the case that they didn't have vacancies then you could have told that you will help me the next year or felt sad that you couldn't help me.That was all i needed from you.Just an expression of sadness for your inability to help me.You shouldn't have told some lie that it was open only for old students of your school.Worse, you reverted your lie thereby revealing your lie.Sometimes illusion is better than reality.I was better off being kept in the dark.
My friend i'm sad.Maybe it's me who is reading too much into your actions or maybe it's what really happened, the fact is i'm in pain and feeling betrayed.I'm not blaming you.Maybe i'm drawing wrong conclusions.Maybe.Maybe not.I just don't know anything anymore.
I just want to tell that I'm hurt;not that you hurt me.there's a big difference between the two.I'm finding it hard to find peace with myself.I need some time to get over this.You are a good person.The previous sentence is not just a group of words.I truly believe it.That's why i'm taking pains to write such a lengthy stuff.The very act of putting words to my thoughts has given me much needed relief and peace.
You very well know that I don't make friends easily.When I do consider someone as my friend, I do so from the bottom of my heart.It is said that there is nothing called true friendship.friendship is always done for some kind of gains.This is one of those those dirty truths of life.I dont want to believe this and always try to act the other way.I want friendship to be as pure as possible.In my experience so far I have found that friendship is the only human relation whch makes this sick world less sick.I find myself wondering if this is true now.
I'm not angry with you.I'm sad at myself.I think I expected too much from you, from my friends,from life.I have sinned.I can't help it.
I always had more affection towards you.It was because I felt that you didn't enjoy a proper family life/relationships and I sympathised you.I developed a kind of brotherly love.I have seen that you are so strong an induvidual and so successful in life despite the hardships of not having proper guidance/direction from some elderly in early stages(i presume).It was so easy for you to have gone the wrong way.You could have wasted away your life.Yet you chose the difficult path and excelled in it.
I respect you for this.you are my idol in this case.
Money matters always ruin relationships.Friends always warned me not to help you with money.They felt that money always ruins relationships between friwnds.But i didn't care.I always thought we had strong bond which money couldn't break.
Close your eyes and think of a single person among your so called 'best-friends' other than me who have helped you with money.I know many have helped you.But did anyone helped you with so eagerness as i did with the kind of limited capacity i have.
When it comes to money matters,people show their true colors my friend.Just think of the previous sentence and apply it to all of your 'best-friends' and 'rich friends'.If you find someone other than me in the first place, then I feel you are lucky to have found a real-friend;more real than me and I congragulate you.I even lent you money to give it to your friends too whom i don't know or have seen.I did this because I believed in you.
I also want to take this opportunity to talk a few sentences about your other 'best-friends'.You are really a nice person pavan.But you are very innocent.People whom you keep close to your heart exploit you.You are too emotionally attached to them to see it.You love them as selflessly as i love you but they don't love you back in the same way.I hope you understand what i'm trying to convey to you.Just think about this.Analyze this issue closely and deeply.This is a very sensitive issue and I shouldn't have mentioned it but today I'm in the mood to just pour out my heart and empty it as I have been carrying this emotional burden for too long.
I believe in loving others selflessly and with devotion.that's what you do with your friends.But my friend, sometimes you have to stop and just assess whether they do deserve your precious-love.It's a crime to love people who don't deserve it.So is not loving those who love you.
I'm crying and in pain while writing this.Tears are literally rolling out of my eyes.
Maybe i'm too much emotional and not thinking rationally.Maybe I'm eccentric,little crazy too.But this is what i'm feeling.I'm writing this with an intention to show it to you one day when i feel you are ready, but not today.I hope that my above words will strengthen our friendship and not ruin it.
I have had many best friends throughout different phases of my life.Over time i have observed that i'm just growing apart from my once best friends.I don't share the same wavelength which i used to share in the past with those friends.I'm afraid it is becomming a pattern.I'm afraid i'm losing you too.I want to break my pattern.So i'm thought better communication should help.
I believe that people emotionally insulate themselves from others even from their near and dear ones and continue to live an incomplete and superficial lives.I dont want to be one of them.I don't want to be a superficial person.I want to open up to my loved ones and want to share a strong relationship with them.With you.I think you are one such person with whom i can have an everlasting friendship.I feel you have it in you what i'm asking for in a true-friend.Maybe my candid revealation is ruining the possibility this very moment.But I don't care.I dont want to be shallow person.Life is too short.I'm starting to question my purpose here and i'm not sure where i'm heading in life.I'm becoming more and more spiritual and philosophical every day.World seems unreal.Human relations seems so artificial.I want to live life meaningfully.This is my first step in this regard.
You are and always will be my friend and you are always in my prayers.
-->rohith
-->2:10AM
-->09/21/2006
you got a visa recently.I'm happy for you.Whenever my friends/peers get ahead of me or achieve something in life i'm happy for them and sad at myself that I haven't worked hard to realize my full abilities.
Why did you do it to me pavan?i love you man and you !@#$%^ me.
you knew how desparate I was to goto U.S.How passionate and crazy.You know i am so depressed everyday thinking of the same thing.Man you didn't help me when i needed it the most.You had the contacts who could have helped me to get a visa.You told that it was only for people who studied in your school.Such a lie.But now you are telling that it is for anyone who can pay him.You could have told me this before and I could have gotten my visa too.
If it was fear of competition from me that made you not to help me, then you could have plainly told that you will help me the next year,not this time instead of cooking up a lie.Or if it was the case that they didn't have vacancies then you could have told that you will help me the next year or felt sad that you couldn't help me.That was all i needed from you.Just an expression of sadness for your inability to help me.You shouldn't have told some lie that it was open only for old students of your school.Worse, you reverted your lie thereby revealing your lie.Sometimes illusion is better than reality.I was better off being kept in the dark.
My friend i'm sad.Maybe it's me who is reading too much into your actions or maybe it's what really happened, the fact is i'm in pain and feeling betrayed.I'm not blaming you.Maybe i'm drawing wrong conclusions.Maybe.Maybe not.I just don't know anything anymore.
I just want to tell that I'm hurt;not that you hurt me.there's a big difference between the two.I'm finding it hard to find peace with myself.I need some time to get over this.You are a good person.The previous sentence is not just a group of words.I truly believe it.That's why i'm taking pains to write such a lengthy stuff.The very act of putting words to my thoughts has given me much needed relief and peace.
You very well know that I don't make friends easily.When I do consider someone as my friend, I do so from the bottom of my heart.It is said that there is nothing called true friendship.friendship is always done for some kind of gains.This is one of those those dirty truths of life.I dont want to believe this and always try to act the other way.I want friendship to be as pure as possible.In my experience so far I have found that friendship is the only human relation whch makes this sick world less sick.I find myself wondering if this is true now.
I'm not angry with you.I'm sad at myself.I think I expected too much from you, from my friends,from life.I have sinned.I can't help it.
I always had more affection towards you.It was because I felt that you didn't enjoy a proper family life/relationships and I sympathised you.I developed a kind of brotherly love.I have seen that you are so strong an induvidual and so successful in life despite the hardships of not having proper guidance/direction from some elderly in early stages(i presume).It was so easy for you to have gone the wrong way.You could have wasted away your life.Yet you chose the difficult path and excelled in it.
I respect you for this.you are my idol in this case.
Money matters always ruin relationships.Friends always warned me not to help you with money.They felt that money always ruins relationships between friwnds.But i didn't care.I always thought we had strong bond which money couldn't break.
Close your eyes and think of a single person among your so called 'best-friends' other than me who have helped you with money.I know many have helped you.But did anyone helped you with so eagerness as i did with the kind of limited capacity i have.
When it comes to money matters,people show their true colors my friend.Just think of the previous sentence and apply it to all of your 'best-friends' and 'rich friends'.If you find someone other than me in the first place, then I feel you are lucky to have found a real-friend;more real than me and I congragulate you.I even lent you money to give it to your friends too whom i don't know or have seen.I did this because I believed in you.
I also want to take this opportunity to talk a few sentences about your other 'best-friends'.You are really a nice person pavan.But you are very innocent.People whom you keep close to your heart exploit you.You are too emotionally attached to them to see it.You love them as selflessly as i love you but they don't love you back in the same way.I hope you understand what i'm trying to convey to you.Just think about this.Analyze this issue closely and deeply.This is a very sensitive issue and I shouldn't have mentioned it but today I'm in the mood to just pour out my heart and empty it as I have been carrying this emotional burden for too long.
I believe in loving others selflessly and with devotion.that's what you do with your friends.But my friend, sometimes you have to stop and just assess whether they do deserve your precious-love.It's a crime to love people who don't deserve it.So is not loving those who love you.
I'm crying and in pain while writing this.Tears are literally rolling out of my eyes.
Maybe i'm too much emotional and not thinking rationally.Maybe I'm eccentric,little crazy too.But this is what i'm feeling.I'm writing this with an intention to show it to you one day when i feel you are ready, but not today.I hope that my above words will strengthen our friendship and not ruin it.
I have had many best friends throughout different phases of my life.Over time i have observed that i'm just growing apart from my once best friends.I don't share the same wavelength which i used to share in the past with those friends.I'm afraid it is becomming a pattern.I'm afraid i'm losing you too.I want to break my pattern.So i'm thought better communication should help.
I believe that people emotionally insulate themselves from others even from their near and dear ones and continue to live an incomplete and superficial lives.I dont want to be one of them.I don't want to be a superficial person.I want to open up to my loved ones and want to share a strong relationship with them.With you.I think you are one such person with whom i can have an everlasting friendship.I feel you have it in you what i'm asking for in a true-friend.Maybe my candid revealation is ruining the possibility this very moment.But I don't care.I dont want to be shallow person.Life is too short.I'm starting to question my purpose here and i'm not sure where i'm heading in life.I'm becoming more and more spiritual and philosophical every day.World seems unreal.Human relations seems so artificial.I want to live life meaningfully.This is my first step in this regard.
You are and always will be my friend and you are always in my prayers.
-->rohith
-->2:10AM
-->09/21/2006
posted by desparado at
12:55 AM
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