click

yesterday i saw the movie click.the premiere night show at edwards off i-15N.
the film is good.
it made me think about myself and my life.
i'm wasting my life everyday by not completely living it.
i realized that everyday,every moment,every pain,every single thing is very precious.if they are gone, they are gone.
i can never experience the same thing twice.
life is far too precious to be wasted.
The only way to live life is to always focus on just one thing.
One thing that is most important to you.
Like right now i'm sitting on the loo.
The most important thing to me right now is to shit!
Instead of that i'm typing away on my laptop.
This is not how it should be.
Humans are not made to multiprocess.
One thing at a time.
One kiss,one moment of joy,glory,pain,tears is what we need.
Just one at a time.
--9:21 hrs
--in the loo
--2224
--la jolla

Never stop believing.

the biggest question of all.ME.
who is it?
who am i?
i always get the question.sometimes i think about it.
sometimes it the only thing i think.
its like whatever i see im only seeing the surface.
the person below the skin is not coming out.
i want to discover myself.
if i want to be somebody, i have to first think who ami and where am I and get to where i want to be.
as they say its a big fucked up world.
its 12.20 friday morning.sleep is failing me.i'm alone in san diego.so i get up and do what i always do.
browse for porn.
somehow today did not turn out to be like everyday.however hard i tried to run away from myself by hiding behind porn it just didnt work out today.
so i do the next thing i do.wander aimlessly on the web.
finally i stumble my blog.
started two years ago to pour out my heart i had abandoned it.I had cheated myself.I had ran away from confronting myself.I had turned it into a placeholder for quotations which i used to vist later and memorize to impress the world.Who was I trying to impress??the world??
oh my GOD?what am I doing?This is not what i set out to become.To be untruthful to myself was not what i wanted.I wanted to do great things.Do whatever I set my sights on.Be successful in my own sense and not to the world.I have become everything i didnt want to be.UNREAL.
No not anymore.I dont want to be appear successful to the world which sees me.I dont want to be judged by people and come out flying.
I want to be me.
I want to pursue perfection not wordly acknowledgement that i'm perfect.
Suddenly I feel sick.
To the outside world i may seem like a successful guy.
great job.backing to and fro to america so early in my career.
but inside i'm a troubled soul.
I know i'm not what I truly can be and this is causing me pain.Driving me to a slow and painful climax.
And the most hurting thing is this very same feeling had led me to decide to do a fresh start two years ago and now i'm finding myself in the dame position.deja vu.tell me about it huh...(sigh)
Life has come full circle in 2 years and im just the dame person plus the waisline extended,hairline receeded and more bitter.
I have caused more pain to my parents.They are seeing me wasting myself.They know that i can be much better if i want to.No i'm not doomed.I will still get through life with great ease.Look at me.I have a good job.No bad habits.Well off economically.
But who am I kidding.
I want to realize my full potential.This is not me.I can be better.I can be the best in whatever I do.
Instead i'm fooling myself and being lazy.
Much needs to be achieved .
I dont want to just survive.I want to live.Live in style.My style.My will.
(i feel sick.unable to continue.i rush to the loo.empty my bowels and return after 15 minutes.)
Today i make myself a promise.A promise not to write a similar sorry story down the line after 2 years.
In God I pray to give me the faith to believe in myself and leap for greater heights.
God give me greater strength to bear the pain when i fall down.
God i pray to give me courage to get up again.
In God i believe for he is the one who is responsible to make me believe in myself.
I like to call myself as hopeless optimist.
---desparado.
---01:14
---La jolla
---CA

wise said

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel; just make sure it's not a train.